My earlier blog post, “A Correct View of God Brings a Correct View of Self,” sums up a spirit that brought me closer to the “abundant life” that Jesus Christ told us He came to provide!
Just a few specifics here today; more to come in future posts. But here’s a summary of the past 2 years: I’ve noticed change in the way I think about others, myself . . . and even God. And I remain at greater peace in these aspects of life . . .
outlook
reactions
expectations
trust (that was a big one!)
intimidation (or lack thereof!)
fear (oh, so many ways it can appear!)
satisfaction . . . healing . . . joy . . . love . . . and more
In other words, I am happier than ever; I am freed to be me. Life feels good and right!
And I attribute most of this change to the power of forgiveness as posted in “A Correct View of God Brings a Correct View of Self.”
It's powerful. It feels like I've crossed over a stumbling block. And the best part: it's not just "a new idea" or "turning over a new leaf" -- it's a way of life. Truly letting go of offenses has changed who I am.
Not saying it's a personal accomplishment; it isn’t. Not saying I never stray; I do. And not saying the change was overnight or easy; it has felt like a series of tests. Like a "What next?" feeling sometimes. But it IS welcomed and rewarding. And WAS much needed! I am grateful; and I feel as though I've been freed. I think this kind of freedom and peace is, at least in part, what God means when He says that He “is come that [we] might have life – and have it more abundantly!”
The difference I’m finding in day-to-day life (relative to other steps in healing) is that THIS awakening keeps my attention and therefore isn’t something I have to “muster up” or consciously make a point to remember -- but rather has pretty much become who I am. Or at least what I believe in and quickly come back to when I stray. It is the grace of God in my life and nothing more. And it is the grace of GOD flowing through my heart toward others.
To be clear, I'm not expressing credit for anything that seems right or good about me; if anything, just the opposite. Because God's testing and revelation exposed some disgusting attitudes and reactions I came to recognize in myself – especially when I am misunderstood and/or hurt.
I'm grateful for those tests because they brought to light new perspective – change in focus that awakened me to be more aware of my own strongholds . . . to cast down those lies Satan whispers to us to weaken our faith and make us vulnerable. I grieve my own sin and shortcomings more now – because I SEE them more. But I also rejoice more, in that I am often reminded that God’s blood and grace cover my sin and that His truth and love give victory to overcome ALL battles.
So, you see, the rejoicing isn’t about me at all; it’s about God – my Savior. He pricked my heart with this truth and (finally) convinced me to LISTEN to Him more completely and without preconceived thoughts that “I already know what I need to know" . . . and without thinking that it's someone else who needs to change.
God is gracious to offer an exchange of "[His] Beauty for [my] Ashes."
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"Beauty for Ashes" . . . Funny . . . When I recently considered what ashes are, it dawned on me that there is a deeper meaning to the phrase than I had first noticed. Ashes: it's "what's left – after junk is burned" . . . right? Simple. Yet profound! I knew that; and I had always considered the "junk" part of the definition of ashes in the phrase; it’s the “burned” part that woke me up! Junk doesn’t go away unless it is removed. Well, removed . . . or burned, that is. But burned is better. Because “burned” means ashes. Ashes cannot be retrieved. “Removed” things can. Think about that.
So, ashes are good for nothing except exchange – for God’s beauty. Then they are worth everything.
God burned a lot of junk in my spirit (these past 2 years, especially). Some had been brought on by circumstances in childhood – hurt that, yes, I was aware of and knew I didn't deserve (some "hiding out" in my mind for a long time, not having thought much about them for decades); but I had yet to identify them as strongholds of fear, resentment, and frustration. After all, I had forgiven the offenders and, as an adult, passed off the memories as simply my having been wronged – and figured that it no longer mattered because I was safe and happy and had forgiven those involved.
I would describe that as “Forgive and Forget.” And it seemed to work for me for a while – until I no longer felt safe and happy because of other circumstances in my life. By then, I didn’t make the connection that, though I had forgiven, I had not let go of the hurt. Instead, I unwittingly used it to build a wall of protection that blurred my vision and kept me trapped in a seemingly safe, but sometimes lonely and fearful zone.
Some say, "Forgive and Forget." But “Forgive and Forget” does not necessarily heal emotional wounds. “Forgive and Let Go” does. But it isn't always easy, and sometimes we don't even realize we need to. The principle of recognizing that sin is against God only, and not against me comes in to play here. The truth of that leaves us with nothing to hang on to in the first place! But deep hurts . . . well . . . they hurt! Sometimes we nurture the hurt; sometimes we hang on to the hurt without realizing it. Sometimes we don't even recognize that we do have a right to let go. Once we realize that those hurts were never "ours" in the first place, though, we can more easily let them go. But that can take time. So be patient with yourself and with others. God is!
As a child, I did not have the depth of understanding to realize what had taken place in my mind – that my memories and self-protection mode had become drivers of attitude and characteristics that set in motion a fertile ground for strongholds that could hijack my thinking. To not be proactive about what I now choose to call “active forgiveness” (recognizing, without bitterness, that God will take care of it, and refuse to put thought or energy into resolution for myself) was keeping me in bondage.
Maybe rehearsing the wrongs from time to time gave me a false sense of righteousness (but really, it's just that: false) or maybe I was just not ready to see the truth of all the junk that remained in me from my holding on to what was not mine to hold . . . or, perhaps just not recognizing that I could exchange that junk by turning the hurt into ashes and trading for the beauty and fullness of God's grace -- grace that could be mine!
Through several years of searching and praying for healing, not knowing the full extent of what I needed to be healed from, God worked on me in stages, protecting my heart and calming my fears along the way. He graciously put me in a place where I was ready to deal with some difficult memories and then forced me to face the fears and see God for Who He really is. He IS the healing, abundant-life-giving God of Salvation and LIFE that I always believed Him to be, but couldn’t quite find in Him completely. I didn’t know Him well enough. I thought I did.
God intended to grant healing and beauty all along and, probably it is for that reason He gave snippets of peace and hope throughout these years. Maybe it was so I would hang on. Maybe so I would focus on Him more. I don't know; but, true to His character, God’s love and grace have been unconditional during the interim. He’s been patient throughout this long healing journey even when I wasn’t ready for His best blessings.
I’m so grateful that God is a refining fire. Not a wildfire . . . not a consuming fire. A kind and gentle refining fire, purposefully burning away the dross so that we may find His beauty. Look for it!
