Note: I wrote this blog article exactly 3 years ago tonight. I never published it. The time seems right now. I am not a theologian and I may have some of this wrong. I know some Christian friends don't agree with my view 100%. That's okay. I won't defend the details -- but I do know it helped me overcome a tough battle. Here it is . . . 3 years later:
“A correct view of God brings a correct view of self” ~ Daniel Brown
quote by Daniel Brown, missionary to Liechtenstein
answer to personal prayer for greater insight about myself
turning point in my difficult journey of healing from divorce
It all had to do with forgiveness -- from my heart toward others. But there were questions: What does that really mean anyway? How can I “forgive and forget” . . . or should I forget? Have I truly forgiven if I hold any bitterness? How do I even know if that’s what I’m doing . . . or how to get rid of it if I am?
Those questions loomed large in the earliest years after divorce. But in 2013, when I accepted Daniel Brown's challenge to begin reading Scripture with a more specific eye for viewing Who God Is, things began to change for me. My level of forgiveness deepened and, though I don’t know if I’ll ever feel completely whole again, I did find peace in a mind freed from shackles that had once hijacked my thought life.
I had forgiven those responsible for my loss -- several years earlier -- and thought I'd found peace in it; yet I continually rehearsed the wrongs I had endured. It wasn’t really peace I’d found, not even a pseudo-peace. It was more of a self-pitying and cynical but somewhat covered attitude (aimed at the world in general) that said, “Go ahead; do what you will; it won’t matter, because nobody can hurt me more than I already hurt anyway.”
That felt like acceptance at the time, but it wasn’t. Certainly wasn’t peace either. It didn't even feel like life, really! Looking back, it just felt like isolation. Don't get me wrong: I didn't want to be isolated; I like people! And I continued to treat people with kindness . . . But I didn't let myself get very close to anyone. Friendships were shallow and I was lonely.
Here’s what changed:
I used to think of Psalm 51 as the repentance chapter. Maybe you did too. Familiar with its message, I sometimes revisit the chapter when convicted of sin. It seemed only natural and fair, then, to turn to that same Scripture on behalf of others who sinned – so I could consider how they should respond. I figured it could help me assess whether true repentance had taken place; and I felt a “need/right to know” -- at least when someone else’s sin had hurt me. Verse 4 bothered me a little . . .
That was a long time ago . . . and it continued to be my struggle for years. Until God answered my prayer, challenged my thinking, and changed my journey. Here's the story:
Looking for a “correct view of God” one day while reading my Bible, the familiar words in verse 4 caught my attention anew. “Against Thee, Thee ONLY, is my sin.” I’d read King David’s words many times before. I’ve sung songs based on them. But regarding my divorce, I was perplexed by those words. How can that be? What!? How can the sins of other people that broke my marriage and my heart NOT be against ME? Am I expected to believe those words when I have suffered so much at the hand of others? Am I to simply recognize the entire scenario as being against God ONLY!? Against God . . . yes, I see that, of course; but what about me? Isn’t the sin against me, too?
But here I was, looking for a right view of God; so, I decided to take verse 4 literally and seriously. Other Christians told me I was wrong – that, yes, in this case it WAS sin against me and I “needed to remember that.” I chose not to believe them. I had to acknowledge the truth David expressed in verse 4: that, although I felt hurt, the SIN was against God ONLY, against the Creator and Giver of Life -- God, the Only One Who, in His holiness, is even in position to be sinned against. It’s the very depravity of sin that makes it so. And it’s the very nature of us, sinners that we are, that makes anything else impossible.
A “correct view of God” regarding sin and repentance changed my perspective and brought new-found love, genuine forgiveness, and freedom of spirit without self-pity or isolation. Oh, you were right, Daniel Brown! There IS a bonus: a clearer view of myself – which offers opportunity to change and grow! God continued to produce change in me as I focused on Him. It was needed. It was real. With the changes He wrought, came real peace. And the best part was, I didn't have to "muster up" the peace. I just found it -- in God Himself!
Once I truly believed verse 4, the “repentance chapter” opened up to me with so much more. It changed my life! Lack of offense came more easily because I finally understood WHY I shouldn't be personally offended by someone else’s sin . . . regardless of the circumstances . . . and WHY even my OWN sin cannot be against someone else – but only against a Holy God. “For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.” The glory of God! Not of any created being. Romans 3:23 seems to agree that sin is against God only. And you know what? The truth of it is freeing – both as a sinner and as one hurt by others' sin! That’s not a “license to sin” but, rather, even a more compelling incentive to avoid it.
Grievous sin does hurt others, of course; and when we are a victim of someone else’s sin, it sometimes feels as if it was committed AGAINST us. If their actions were wrong, then of course relationship consequences may follow . . . especially in the absence of true repentance. That certainly should compel the offender to words and actions that would right the wrongs if possible. But that’s got to be the offender’s call. For me to see it as sin against anyone but God, though . . . well, that is to deny Who God is and who I am.
Denying Who God is and who I am – hmmm . . . that’s arrogant and prideful. And it leads to bitterness. And yes, all of that is sin too. So, there’s the full circle: to feel justified in somehow believing that anyone's sin is against me – well, that is to put myself in the same place I first began thinking about the offender: that place of needing repentance! But this time . . . my repentance for my own sin! Yep, Psalm 51 style. All those attitudes had to go.
It’s been a few years now. Today (July 20, 2015) I was vividly reminded of the hurt. I read several Psalms this evening, to comfort my soul. And this time I noticed that chapter 51 is about SO much more than . . . well, even more than 1) a good repentance model for sinners . . . and 2) an effective attitude buster for victims. It is key to every area of our Christian lives! With blinders on, all I had seen before today was a repentance model.
Tonight, I saw the obvious – the Prayer of Repentance – but also David’s Plea for Restoration, his Passion for Righteousness, and God’s Plan for Revival and Outreach Evangelism. I read again, searching carefully for even more desires of David’s heart.
I found more: recognition that God is justified and clear when He speaks and judges (think about that!) and the discovery that when we finally open up to our most inward selves, we find wisdom (opening up can be hard to do – but, oh, the benefits of that blessed promise!) and the realization that ONLY GOD can create a clean heart and a right spirit within us (yet, how often have I tried on my own!?) and, finally, that place where it all comes together: knowing that God’s pleasure is found in broken spirits and contrite hearts.
That one stopped me in my tracks. A broken spirit . . . a contrite heart . . . Can bitterness or anger dwell in such a place? How could anything short of forgiveness live in a contrite heart? What wonder and beauty can be found with a “correct view of ourselves!”
And THAT view begins with a correct view of God. See Him as He is. Believe Him and take Him at His Word. It is a place of beauty and peace. It's a place of freedom. That’s where I want to stay. How about you?